U Turn (1997)
Director: Oliver Stone
Had I seen this before: No
Because I spent much of 1998 working in a video store like the 90s stereotype that I was, there are many films that came out around that time that exist only as VHS covers for me (we did not have DVDs yet at my store, but we did have a couple of tanning beds). This is one of those covers. It looked very serious, possibly scary, definitely sweaty. And as it turns out it is...well, one of those things anyway.
I immediately got off on the wrong foot with U Turn because the Tristar logo always makes me think I'm about to watch Muppets Take Manhattan. Is this movie going to be as good as or better than Muppets Take Manhattan? Disappointment is inevitable from the outset. It is soon overtaken by...confusion? Mild intrigue? I wasn't really expecting the "poppy music over gritty violence" Reservoir-Dogs-ripoff of it all. The tunes are bouncy but hmm, what's this, some choppy cuts to a buzzard eating entrails? Quick cut closeups to a bead of forehead sweat, a skull in the desert? It's like if Baz Luhrmann just woke up really mean and unpleasantly American one day. So it's not a journey of subtlety that we're embarking on here, and it's definitely not the fully serious noir vibe I was expecting. When I had quickly glanced at the Letterboxd page for this movie, the word that jumped out at me from several reviews was "nasty," which is not an inaccurate description, but I think it's more specifically scuzzy in a deeply late-90s sort of way. Not least because Sean Penn, who is in every scene of this thing, has powerful anti-charisma imo. Scuzzy.
That last bit is actually the very thing that got me through this movie, which is to say: it's fun to watch increasingly bad things happen to Sean Penn. As soon as Billy Bob Thornton appears as a ridiculous caricature of a rotten-toothed rural mechanic, acting absolute circles around Penn, I was basically on board. (Hot? Warm? Ice cold? take--Sean Penn is fine in some roles but I do not think he is generally a good actor. I think Billy Bob Thornton is a great actor.) Give this man a hard time! Hold his car hostage and shrug off what a dickhead he's being! He deserves unhappiness in all the forms it's coming to him! Movies don't have to be good to entertain me, but it does help a lot if they give me a rooting interest.
Billy Bob isn't the only overly quirky resident of Superior, AZ to get in Sean Penn's way--the boring noir love triangle (er, spoiler--square) is filled out by an underwritten Jennifer Lopez, whose only purpose is to have a tragic backstory and motivate the male characters, a growling, rodent-faced Nick Nolte, and a brooding Powers Booth. Hard pass on all of that. Give me Julie Hagerty as a diner waitress with a bouffant AND a rattail. Give me Claire Danes and Joaquin Phoenix as a badly-written couple with highly dubious accents. "Mister don't make me AXE you again." Joaquin...my guy...what are we even doing here. (My notes say "ugh poor Claire Danes these scenes are awful" and also "guess we're playing 'Ring of Fire' again" and "okay I like when Joaquin eats his bus ticket.") Give me Laurie Metcalf selling said bus ticket and Liv Tyler (???) silently standing in line to purchase one of her own (???). (Here my notes say "Sean Penn please leave this scene so Laurie Metcalf and Liv Tyler can talk in peace.") Do not give me whatever it is that Jon Voight is doing, you can keep that.
At one point Sean Penn kicks a cat really hard for no reason except that it was next to his leg, and then moments later this same cat foils his half-hearted robbery attempt. He then gives up on the robbery and tries to open a beer bottle with his bare hand, resulting in a gash in his hand and a broken bottle on the ground. This, to me, is entertaining. Please stop trying to make me care about J Lo and Nick Nolte and just let me watch this town work together to slowly crush this man like a bug.
The film is scored by the legendary Ennio Morricone, and if I had to pick one word to describe it, that word would be "noticeable." There's a sort of carnival feel to some of the music, and in a few scenes it threatens to drown out the dialogue entirely (not complaining). This is a movie with a lot of violence and, like, men crying and yelling about their cars getting scratched, so it's very funny to me every time something scuzzy happens and the score highlights it by going "BOI-OI-OING." Every time a man cries about his car in a movie going forward I would like it to be accompanied by "BOI-OI-OING."
Line I repeated quietly to myself puzzled over a little because I'm pretty sure this number is inaccurate by any measure and the screenwriter is just cribbing from Blue Oyster Cult: "Darrell, 40,000 people die every day. How come you're not one of them?"
Is it under two hours: It is not
In conclusion: It did at least feel like it took place in the desert. Sweaty as expected. Excellent amount of saguaro cacti. Too much Sean Penn butt.
Pinto Beans from Love and Lemons
Too gritty for food, this one. Everyone is busy sweating and making unrealistic decisions. The only character who eats anything is Jon Voight's blind vet, digging into a can of beans with a spoon. Fortunately, I like beans, so here we go.
This was a good bean recipe. I again did not add enough salt, which is no one's fault but my own. The smell of a pot of beans simmering on the stove all afternoon is hugely comforting to me, like I have exactly one thing in the world under control, and that thing is legumes.
Up next: The first spark of romance between Hollywood and Monument Valley
