Fine, I'm probably going to write "Viking"

Anna's preschool class is putting together a book about their parents' jobs and want us to fill out a description of our daily duties "even if you work at home," which, haha, okay. I mean, I don't want to give the impression that what I do isn't hard work, because it absolutely is and if you don't believe that I heartily invite you to get my two-year-old dressed and into a car seat in under half an hour, but I'm not sure how to distill full-time child-rearing into a few lines. "My training is in law, but I now spend most of my time picking things/children up and wiping things/children down while enduring a constant stream of Daniel Tiger songs in my head. Judging by the ratio of yoga pants to real pants at pickup time, there's a good chance it's the same thing your mom does all day." Very illuminating. Although to be fair, if I were to accurately describe the job I had when Anna was born, it would be "I read through files. Sometimes we have to wait for a new batch of files so I mess around on the internet. I drink a lot of coffee because it gives me a reason to stand up and walk to the kitchen." So I guess I'm really just feeling sad that I'm not an astronaut, is what I'm saying. Maybe when I draw the picture of myself at work I will add some astronaut gear. I'm feeling a lot better about this situation already, thanks guys!

Aaaaaaaaaaanyhoodle. One of my duties is over-documenting my children's birthdays, so I'd better get back to work. I made Ivy a cake:

FUH-FWY.

It looks like her blanket:

I mean, in a sense.

Anna helped, of course...

...but soon decided she was more comfortable behind the camera, which means Cookbook #95: Chocolate From the Cake Mix Doctor (Anne Byrn, 2001) is the first in this entire project to an action shot associated with it:

Space helmet just out of frame.

Provenance: Mom. Previous recipes on this blog: none. Flavor: Chocolate Orange cake. Deliciousness level: very high. For my feelings on this line of books, please see my previous Cake Mix Doctor entry. (Or don't, and I will just tell you that my feelings are positive.) Maybe I should list my job as "Cake Mix Doctor"? Or is Anne Byrn the only Cake Mix Doctor and I'm more of a Cake Mix Physician Assistant, carrying out her orders? Hmm. Don't worry, I'll get this whole thing sorted out.

We had a nice family party. There were many things to put on tortillas.

Also the option to forgo toppings entirely.

It's her party and she'll eat nothing but flour if she wants to.

There was unwrapping.

And sleepiness.

And, as mentioned, cake.

It was good to see everyone. This weekend gave my parents not only a chance to visit the kids, but also to tease me about my deep spiritual connection to IKEA, in belated defense of which I say: this straight-up Viking first name didn't write itself on my birth certificate, wiseguys.

Previously on Unemployed Lawyer Mom

Great news, all. My decision to branch out into Facebook posting has garnered upward of three new readers. Welcome, friends! I thought it might be nice to give you a little primer on what we're about here. First of all, the previous sentence is the only time I've ever used the editorial "we," so it's pretty exciting that you were here for that. Second, although it was historically a lawn and garden blog, it has mostly developed into a badly-lit food, weirdly-expressioned kid situation. I'm actually 94 cookbooks into a 100 cookbook project, although that seems to have stalled out a bit for various reasons, one of which is that birthdays and the associated inexorable march of time make me feel tired.

Wearying.

If you are anxious to check out my food-project prowess in action, you can visit the time I cooked every recipe in an issue of Bon Appetit or the time I did a Whole 30. These were both good ideas that went very well, as I recall. Anyway, I'm sorry for the current lack of food content. I should probably make "I spend a lot of time making excuses and apologizing, just like in real life" my Third Point. I do want to note that I was fed Frito pie for the second time in one calendar week, thus confirming the accuracy of this survey.

Thanks, Mary Beth!

To make up for my lack of badly-lit meals, I'm going to throw in a series of badly-lit attempts to corner my two children in one photograph. Bonus: Anna's devolution from bemusement to defeat is almost an exact mirror of my own facial expressions throughout any given day. It's so gratifying to see yourself in your children.

I never promised you a happy ending. Anyway, I think #2 for the Christmas cards, right?

House of Big Girls

It has been an action-packed few days around these parts, friends. I always forget that the autumn trade-off for not having 105-degree days is that people are going to start expecting me to leave the house kind of a lot. Like twice in one day sometimes. Madness, I know, but I will do basically anything in exchange for jacket weather (read: below 82). So here we go! First up, superhero birthday party.

The best thing about this party was the cape, as it gave Anna a chance to embody the various types of superhero to see which one was right for her. That seems like a pretty important milestone. Actually, I should probably let Ivy do some cape experimentation today in preparation for her checkup tomorrow, just in case that question makes the survey ("Ivy has shown interest in a Stan Lee model. Excelsior!") Let's see what Anna went with:

Distant and brooding?

Bold?

Shoe-gazing?

Ah, looks like she landed on "twirly." Very good.

Next event: preschool Fall Festival. Nice weather, well-organized, tons of fun activities for the kids. Pumpkin decorating, mask-making, petting zoo, dress-up picture station--basically everything normal children would need to stay entertained.

I assume.

More importantly, the potluck game at this thing was intense.

Homemade tamale, anyone? Turkish chickpeas? The other plate (not pictured) is entirely devoted to various quinoa salads.

My contribution? Oh. I, uh, put tomatoes on top of puff pastry.

And yes it IS appropriate to bring an "End of Summer" dish to a November event, thank you.

Hey, I know what the people want.

(Things that taste like pizza.) 

Last and most importantly, my squishy little harbinger of milkshakes turned TWO yesterday. We had to cancel our semi-grand plans for a birthday outing due to rain, but no matter. Turns out if you show up at the toy store one minute after they open on a wet Monday morning, you pretty much have the run of the place. I highly recommend it.

ALL THE MARBLES WILL BE YOURS.

ALSO ALL THE SEAFOOD IF YOU CAN JUST...REACH...

Of course, the downside of a mostly empty store is being a little extra creeped out by whatever is happening in this dollhouse display.

Nothing good!

We ran her through her fun-paces until she basically collapsed.

The Pink Chair of Surrender

I was pleased to see that she wasn't too zombified to add an appropriate amount of butter to her dinner pancakes.

That's my big girl.

Anyway, time to go. We have work to do.

The owl and the pussycat

Hey there, how was everyone's Halloween? Did you dress up? I went as a lady whose eye makeup was slightly too aggressive for daylight hours. A sexy one. As you are well aware, federal blogging regulations require that I post pictures of en-costumed children today. (You may not realize that there are new guidelines in place making the pointing out of said obligation mandatory as well.)

Ivy takes this costuming business very seriously, as you can see by her physical insistence that all visitors don festival apparel throughout the month of October.

They're usually pretty grateful.

She is also serious about the following:

Pumpkin innards

Being made to pose sweetly before receiving candy

GUTS

Usually-serious sister, however, got a little sassy in her kitty outfit.

Probably because she knew how much fun Cash and Scarlett's party was going to be. Really, how can you avoid being excited about a shindig that involves:

Infested punch

This nonsense, which allows me to claim that I didn't eat any candy last night because I ate five pounds of devil-mix instead, although it's POSSIBLE that there is candy within it, I guess

I guess.

The greatest pie in all the land

Puns

Blue tongues

Guts-covered shoes

Sugar-wired owls

A fun evening all around. Uh oh guys, I'd better go, I think Anna just realized that we dressed her in head-to-toe black and sent her out to roam the streets at night.