It's a shame no one ever does anything nice for me

We had a pretty big week here, but I'm going to lead off with the most important story, which is: I stole from Tim Love figured out the best possible way to hide beets amongst normal food. And I'm counting the ice cream that tasted like chocolate and orange and only the tiniest bit of dirt. The answer is smoked salmon. Something about smoked salmon makes roasted beets seem weirdly palatable.

Meanwhile, adding beet greens to potatoes really elevates the beet greens but kind of ruins the potatoes.

And then I had breakfast tacos on a weekday because it was my biiiiiiiirthdaaaaaay! Congratulations to me for existing for a quantifiable period of time!

Morning tacos really take the sting out of being a very slightly higher age.

And then I had...some champagne!

One glass of champagne is for regular, non-awesome Thursdays.

But everyone knows it's weird to have champagne by yourself in the middle of the day if it isn't accompanied by goat cheese beignets with honey and lavender.

No worries.

So I did make my own birthday dinner, and here is why: I did not trust anyone else to make the exact perfect combination of Mexican food and egg-topping. It was the CORRECT DECISION. Homesick Texan's stacked enchiladas proved to be one of the more fantastic plates of food I have ever had and I say that with the authority of someone who had them again for breakfast this morning.

Egg, cheese, spice, tortillas. I owe the state of New Mexico a huge debt of gratitude.

And not only did Dan give me the entire day off to flit about town buying sandals and cookware and eating LAVENDER for lunch like the fancy lady that I am, he and the girls also made me a chocolate cake.

I think it was good? Can't quite remember, better go to the fridge and check YEP still super, super good.

Anna was her usual indifferent self about the cake. Oh, just kidding, you guys. She IS human, after all!

Apparently!

In less self-centered news (boring), Anna "graduated" from "school" this week. I was pretty impressed by what a good job the teachers did getting a group of two-year-olds to participate in the program.

I mean, within reason.

Happy Mother's Day! Here's your muumuu.

So I'm just wondering if any of you guys ate as well as I did this weekend OH WAIT TRICK QUESTION: not possible. My parents sent Dan and me to the Lonesome Dove Western Bistro in Fort Worth (sans monkeys!) because they are just lovely people. On the other hand, I took pictures of every course and also mentioned that I was doing so on Twitter because I am a terrible person. I DID IT FOR YOU. And also myself. Mostly myself. Please excuse me while I relive this particular meal for my own gluttonous reasons.

First course: blue corn lobster hushpuppies, seared diver scallop, house smoked salmon with roasted beet. The scallops were so good that I want to go back in time and punch the non-seafood-eating Erica in the nose. On principle.

Also, I went to a fancy restaurant and paid my hard-earned parents' money for beets.

Second course: I had the squash soup. It was insanely good. Kind of spicy. And...also it was soup, which is enough for me. There was a weird gelatinous strip in the center of it that frightened me because I know how top chefs are with their offal and their bone marrow and such. Fortunately, I had ordered a pre-dinner cocktail that contained an injudicious amount of tequila, so I took a chance.

It was cheese.

Dan had...an...egg forest?

I mean, I clearly see the appeal.

Main course that I was too full to enjoy: roasted garlic stuffed beef tenderloin. It was wonderful. But when I looked at it my vision got blurry and it turned into a giant fluffy bed with lots of pillows.

Sleeeeeeeepy meat.

Dan ordered elk. With some kind of fungal growth.

Now I'm curious about what was in his pre-dinner cocktail.

At this point you might be thinking that you also had excellent food this weekend and who am I to brag about such restaurant excursions but we aren't even close to done so please just hold on to your hats.

My father made an excellent Mother's Day dinner all by his lonesome self, since all mothers are contractually obligated to stay outside of the electrically-enforced perimeter of the kitchen lest they be shocked and immediately transferred to a day spa. (At least, this is my understanding.) To Dan's credit, he was stuck dealing with both children because I was sitting very still and quiet on the sofa with my computer, trying to make it look like my hands were busy.

Grilled pork tenderloin with peach sauce, broccoli salad, some sort of devilishly scalloped potatoes.

I don't know what terrible thing the potatoes did to deserve this fate, but I applaud it.

Homemade peasant bread!

Right next to the roses in crystal. Peasant-style.

Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

"Mom. Hey. Move it along."

Okay, okay. The children were there as well. Anna had a pretty good time playing "dinosaur extinction."

She's the extinction.

I actually really like that she gave them a chance to team up against their destiny.

They're ready to rumble.

Anyway, by last night it was apparent that my weekend had been lacking in one thing, and that was fiber decadence. Bacon, egg, and leek risotto, anyone?

I have never yet regretted 1) making risotto 2) putting an egg on something.

Better?

You know, you'd probably be cuter if you could just grow out those eyelashes a little bit.

I'm getting tired of your sarcasm, hypothetical reader

Listen kids, I'm in kind of a hurry and also kind of a MOOD today! Did you enjoy that little peek behind the curtain? "Thank you for pointing out that you don't feel like writing a blog post when no one even asked you to write a blog post, Erica! You're great! And really pleasant to be around, I bet!" is what you're all thinking to yourselves right now.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just going through some difficult stuff, namely having to pack up for a nice weekend at my parents' house, so you understand. I have to put clothes and snacks into the car. These are trying times. Let's discuss vegetables.

Jicama: seems like I should have had it before? But I've definitely never prepared it before. I made it in salad form with Yucatan pork tenderloin. It tasted...crunchy. Like flavorless carrots. Or I have actually lost my ability to taste things.

Maybe lacking a sense of taste means I will lose weight? Haha, no, I'll just eat twice as much.

Fennel: again it seems like I've probably encountered  it before, but I don't recall ever cooking with it.

Our muppety-est vegetable.

Anna was intrigued.

Or was just realizing with concern that her infant sister was again Bumbo'd on an ELEVATED SURFACE ACROSS THE ROOM. See? If I were in less of a hurry I would probably remove this proof of parental incompetence.

I mixed the fennel with chickpeas and olives and couscous and...couldn't taste it. Okay, yeah, this might actually be a problem.

I can still taste olives, so let's hold off on full panic.

Swiss chard: I have cooked this many times, and yet every time I say it out loud I worry that I'm pronouncing in incorrectly. Okay, this website tells me I was ALMOST right, just not quite British enough. I'm wondering if that's the case with a lot of words.

Oh, the food--it's pasta and chicken sausage. Just take a minute and let the inspiration wash over you.

Not sure if Anna was trying to swaddle this duck or truss it up for dinner.

I'm very proud either way.

Ugh. Ugh to everything. Let's at least go into the weekend on a good note, with some baby side-eye.

Hello, weekend! I greet you with mild suspicion!

Writing more than two paragraphs gives me the sleepies

Saturday was both Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby, two perfect not-really-holidays ripe for en-themening. Here is what I would like to report to you right now: lunch was a beautiful marriage of Hot Browns and mint juleps, followed by a Kentucky butter cake with bourbon sauce. We wore large and comical hats. For dinner I recreated these insane enchiladas, only more authentically because as you know, I now have a tortilla press. (Hard to remember when that wasn't the case. Dark times.) There was also tequila. And sopapilla cheesecake. Different but still very large hats.

That is what I would LIKE to report to you right now but cannot because I didn't realize ahead of time that it was Derby day and also Saturday was book club night and all I managed to do was make chicken flautas.

And wistfully mention bourbon several times.

Magnificent book club hostess Lori, however, really stepped up in the large hat department.

HOLIDAY NOT RUINED.

When it comes to food, Anna has still been keeping her distance, for the most part.

As literally as possible.

Not Ivy, though! Hey, who's ready for some solid foods?

That's right big girl, get all INVOLVED with that squash.

Yeeeeeaaaah!

Oh, um, a got a free CSA box. For filling out a survey. Which seemed like a good idea at the time? And then I had beets on my counter.

Sometimes I don't think things through.

Anyway, my first CSA box strategy was to turn all the basil into pesto and just...throw it on top of something. Oh, minestrone! Yes, that works. It's supposed to be "smoky minestrone" due to the presence of bacon, but that was mostly lost on me (have my tastebuds stopped working?).

If I'm going to keep writing about food, I probably need a keyboard shortcut for "Needs more bacon."

Hey Ivy, let's show Dr. Spencer what a happy, charming baby you are! You'll be such a relief for her after dealing with your sister for almost three years.

Oh, come on.

Is it possible to have TWO sneaky unpredicta-babies under one roof?

This is actually a high holiday in Year of the Pun

For some reason, everything I made this week was sort of bland, whereas last week it was all a little too salty. What is happening? I think my "pinches" of salt are pretty consistent. Maybe some recipes just suck up the salt more enthusiastically. Also, maybe I should not consult Martha Stewart for advice on stuffing peppers.

No offense MS, we just need about 400% more seasoning in these parts.

I nabbed this Southwestern quinoa salad recipe on one of my Pinterest quinoa sprees from someone who, upon further investigation, is from...Utah. So. I guess the next time I plan this sort of menu I'll just hit up my girl Lisa like a smart person.

Sorry, I'm just really weird about flavor. And wanting it to exist.

I just realized that school is out in about two weeks and started freaking out a little bit about keeping the older monkey entertained, but I don't know what I was worried about--she's great at occupying herself!

Should be fine.

Ivy Elisabeth! You are six months old today!

And you are blonde for some reason!

And your big sister wants to give you huuuuuuugs!

Just kidding, she really doesn't want that at all.

Anyway, happy half...okay, well, I think we've lost her.

Mayday

Lately I've been feeling more or less the way Anna looks.

Less sporty, maybe.

Seriously, as an illustration of the depths to which I cannot be bothered to do anything, here is the only picture of food I have taken since last week,

Welcome to my food blog.

For someone who isn't much of an eater, Anna sure goes after a hamburger like it's a oxygen mask and the plane is going down.

Remember: if hamburgers deploy, eat your own hamburger first before helping those around you eat theirs.

Ivy's stomach has been a little unsettled, so she just opted for some ginger ale.

I did pull it together enough to do an ACTUAL project from Pinterest yesterday, and it was a surprising success. Actually, it was more of an astounding success, as it kept Anna happily in a chair for two hours and only required three changes of clothing.

This is as close as I have ever gotten to capturing an expression of wonder.