I will start sewing a gouda costume right now

So who's up for an Oat-Coconut Smoothie this morning?* Come on guys, it's so oaty! I'm pretty sure Martha lovingly mixes giant tubs of this stuff for those horses she rides every weekend.

*Stunning bird glasses not included.

I realized that in order to do any justice at all to this particular Martha Month, I would have to throw a Halloween party. So I did that. Some of the cutesy crafty things turned out very much like they were supposed to! Look how slimy the Slimy Spiders turned out, for example:

I even colored in the word "spiders" all by myself. Anna also colored some labels, but I am not going to show them to you because they are significantly better.

The Candy Popcorn Ears made a very impressive-looking pile. 

Pretty sure if I had wrapped the poop donuts in enough parchment paper you guys would have been like "Whoa, those are almost too classy."

And teensy orange/pumpkins are basically the easiest way to make people say "Cute!" that I have ever found.

I mean, they looked easy anyway.

Obviously, not everything can be identical to the magazine picture. This is real life, where beautiful lacy pumpkins sometimes come out looking significantly different than their inspiration.

Significantly BETTER, really, since the original pattern lacked a distinct sense of having been literally touched by hellfire.

 Whew. To the calendar we go.

October 17th: "Third annual Martha Stewart American Made Award winners revealed!" This is neither a Gentle Reminder nor a Helpful Tip, Martha. I'm going to file this under Important Dates, but I think you're pushing it. Letting it slide because you did not force me to come up with another "horseback ride" picture this round.

October 18th: "Teach Cooking With One Pot class at the New York City Wine and Food Festival." I'm inclined to give my readers enough credit to not need this, but I know cooking isn't for everybody, so just a quick primer: when making a meal, look at your stove. Do you see pots in excess of one? If so, start over.

INCORRECT

CORRECT

October 19th: "Plant amaryllis bulbs to give as Christmas gifts." All this did was remind me that I haven't seen The Music Man in a long time.

October 20th: "Mow the lawn for the last time this season." It was 85 degrees today, this is not going to be the last time our lawn needs mowing. Also I did not mow the lawn. I did give it a fairly stern look, though.

"Weight training." YES FINALLY THANK YOU. Pushing and pulling heavy things makes me feel like a badass. Doing Pilates just makes me feel like an uncomfortable person. In some ways I feel like the gym is one of the only places that I can zero in on my Real Self, and that self is a person who enjoys doing leg press reps in time to "Don't Rain on My Parade."

Seems worth comparing what Ivy chose to wear to Target a few days ago:

(ballerina-owl costume)

to what she chose to wear to our own Halloween costume party:

(air of disdain)

Also that Anna was a cat last year and is a mouse this year and I will be the absolute last person on earth to talk her out of going as cheese in 2015 if it comes to that.

I! Want to have! A Marthaaaaa Month!

Earlier today I caught myself quietly singing "Martha, Martha Month" to the tune of the Village People's "Macho Man," so that is definitely a sign of…something. Yes it is.

The following recipes are intended for GUESTS per the magazine, yet I served them to my PLAIN OLD FAMILY: Chicken-Chile Stew with Cheese and Sweet-Pepper Cornbread.

I am not entirely certain they deserved them, but there you have it.

Also, don't know if I mentioned it, but we have a slight surplus of applesauce in these parts. Time to make sundaes!

The thing I appreciated most about the Applesauce Sundaes was the extreme Marthaness of the recipe(s). You could buy some ice cream and applesauce and dried fruit and combine them in a bowl for a nice little treat. Or you could go Full Martha (which I did, self-contractual obligation) and dedicate one entire day of your life to making ice cream, applesauce, and dried fruit and combining them in a bowl. For a nice little treat. There is a common Marthaland refrain of "Instead of doing this very simple thing, why not try this extremely time-consuming method?" See also: How to Light a Jack-o'-Lantern.

I don't think that's how.

October 14th: "Pilates." Sure.

"Sharpen knives; apply mineral oil to wooden cutting boards to keep them from cracking." Hey, 14 days in and I find myself facing a practical reminder that is of legitimate use to me. Slightly disappointing, but I'll take it.

October 15th: "Clean and set up humidifiers." I was unable to perform this task due to headless clown interference.

October 16th: "Cardio and core." I went running in the dark and completely wiped out on the uneven sidewalk like the graceful gazelle that I am, so I imagine I engaged some core muscles whilst hoisting myself back up off the ground.

"Harvest tomatoes, eggplants, and peppers." There were probably some of those things in the soup and stuff?

Peppers?

"Inspect beehives." Looking good.

Martha Project #2: Cover your pumpkin in lacy stockings then spray paint for a beautiful, delicate effect.

NAILED IT

As always, Officer Huff will be addressing all comments and concerns regarding these matters.

Of COURSE she only looks happy and natural on horseback

I'm almost halfway through Martha Month, can you believe it? So much applesauce, so little time. You know what that sauce looks awfully nice next to? Orange-and-Rosemary-Brined Porkchops.

I am almost always disappointed in fancy-sounding pork chops, but I wasn't in these, so this brine gets an emphatically approving nod.

Also pretty cozy up in some Applesauce Pancakes.

Just snuggled right in there.

When Martha says to slice broccoli stalks in order to make a salad, I say "How thinly?"

The answer is…"thinly."

She also said to put Chimichurri Sauce on roasted carrots, so I did that too.

She didn't specify what the carrots were intended to accompany, so I just made my best guess.

The Calendar also kept me pretty busy this weekend, let's see how I did.

October 10th: "Pilates." You know…I think I probably did some stretching that day. Like, athletically.

"Bathe dogs and cats." Guess she's talking to you, Cat Team.

October 11th: "Morning walk with the dog through the maple grove." If it makes you feel any better about the following picture, I want you guys to know that I waste a LOT more of my own time than I do of yours.

You have no idea.

October 12th: "Take an afternoon drive to Cross River Reservoir, in Westchester County, New York." We did not do this. We did drive to a pumpkin patch that day.

We are almost tall enough for the pumpkin patch.

"Horseback ride." I'm glad I left this entire line of activity to Anna, because she is really stepping up her game.

October 13th: "Host Martha Stewart Weddings' 20th anniversary party in New York City." I'm going to let this image from my own nuptials tell the story of how much I understand or care about weddings.

Okay, this is actually just my "dancing face."

If my failures this week have left you feeling grumpy, just take a big bite of ice cream, worked for Ivy 100%.

Seasonal apple-smushin'

Martha Month continues in full force here! I think my last post misled some people into thinking I was jokily failing to follow my own aspirational calendar, so I just wanted to reiterate that I do not have enough ambition to even imagine a life with weekend horseback rides. For the record.

I do have exactly enough ambition to put scallops in a pan for a few minutes.

I am a huge fan of "make this thing hot and then eat it"-style recipes.

To Martha's Month!

October 7th: "Pilates." Not only did I do this, I went to a proper class with a teacher so that I could pull terrible faces in front of people instead of just at my computer screen.

October 8th: "Clean and refill bird feeders." We took care of this last weekend, actually.

"We."

Martha understands that sometimes you have to rearrange the schedule a little bit for convenience.

Not really, Martha does not understand this, please don't tell Martha.

October 9th: "Cardio and core." Dang girl, we just did Pilates TWO DAYS AGO. Fine, a couple of miles and ten half-hearted crunches, that's all you get. Have to save some energy for "pick apples, press some for cider and make applesauce."

What can I tell you guys, they came off the tree this way.

 When the applesauce recipe says "large pot," it's being serious.

I mean, it also says to cook "partially covered." So do what you have to do.

I don't have a food mill, so I chose the "push it through a sieve" method. Unfortunately, my strainer is more "fine mesh" than "medium mesh" so it took "all freaking day" to get two large jars of applesauce out of it. Worth it though, because my applesauce is kind of watery SILKY SMOOTH.

Tastes like applesauce! Probably not worth the work, I dunno, you'll have to ask Ivy.

Seriously though, she is the slowest.

Here is the face I made upon completing a Pilates session:

And completing an apple-straining session:

Good thing I have access to Martha's Product Recommendation #1:  WRINKLE CREAMS! Turns out, I had just finished a tube of one recommendation and already replaced it with something very similar to another recommendation, so M and I are on the same page here.

DO YOU HEAR THAT, TIME AND ELEMENTS? YOU CAN'T TOUCH MEEEEEEEE

Anna is really fascinated/repelled by the encostumed Martha on the back cover of this issue. I keep having to tell her that it's just makeup and a wig. "She's not scary in real-life," I lied reassuringly.

I don't think she's buying it.

I definitely understand how viral infections work

First, some housekeeping/mild threats: it's almost as if I did not do an effective job promoting my finely crafted baubles last week, as there are inexplicably still some earrings available. Unless somebody jumps on those grenades I'm just going to start sending them out randomly, I actually have quite a few of your addresses.

Second, we were out of town all weekend and I have not been to the grocery store, but I did still manage to make Carrot-Ginger Soup. The fact that you can probably throw this together without driving anywhere or putting on pants or whatever is probably the number one thing it has going for it, but it is also a nice tasty soup. It's in the "Use Coconut Oil in Stuff" section!

Good section.

So that's that for recipes. To the calendar!

October 3rd: "Get seasonal flu shot." I WAS GOING TO DO THIS. But there was a 45-minute wait at Walgreens, so I'm just going to buy some extra herbal tea instead. I'm not in a high-risk category anyway. I eat a lot of soup. (See above.)

"Pilates." Sigh.

At one point this woman instructed me to execute a move "as if someone punched you in your lower belly."

October 4th: "Begin fall garden cleanup; cut back perennials." Where to start, where to start. I...took a whole boatload of basil off my parents' hands?

I know basil is an annual.

And we tidied the hedge apples.

Just set everything else on fire, pretty much.

Maybe not the most Martha move, but it's impossible to resist when the children are so delighted by it.

"Horseback ride." Figured Anna could cover this one for me.

October 5th: "Make homemade quince jelly with star anise." 

BOOM, QUINCED.

October 6th: "Fly to Arkansas. Attend State of the Art Exhibition at Crystal Bridges Summit." So much fun, such exhibition, wish you were here!

I don't think she's in an absolving mood

I refuse to let the fact that the first official recipe of Martha Month was kind of a flop dampen my spirits any. I BELIEVE IN MARTHA MONTH. I just do not believe in Tuna-Noodle Casserole with Cauliflower. This was the last of the "budget meals" section and I know I already joked about how nice it was that the magazine was deigning to appeal to the plebes, but this dish really does seem like some staff member said "I don't know, what do they eat in the middle of the country? No colors."

I believe the parsley was added in post by a beleaguered photo editor.

You know what though, it doesn't really matter other than the fact that the big bowl of white gave me the energy to tackle Martha Project #1: making my own earrings.

Anna and I were very comfortable and not at all overwhelmed in the bead aisle at Michael's.

Right at home.

Once she zeroed in on her favorite design, though, everything clicked right into place.

Just to clarify, the magazine did not instruct us to make them Halloween-themed.

I'm actually pretty happy with how they turned out, seasonally-restricted or no, and since the package came with so many beads, I just kept making earrings. I really like making earrings, guys. This has caused me to have like seven extra pairs. Do you want some?

Come. Join me in chicness.

I feel like I've Sad Etsy Boyfriended myself here.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll mail a pair to the first seven people who ask. Keep in mind that I may or may not manage to do that before Halloween. Also that they come in various configurations of skulls/black balls/no black balls and degrees of competent fastening. And may arrive in just any state of assembly, really. And probably shouldn't be shaken. Or dropped on the floor. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

You know what, it's fine, I can just leave them out for the trick-or-treaters.

Okay, time to check the calendar! 

October 1st: "Move tropical plants into the greenhouse for the winter."

It's okay that it's 18 degrees cooler in our greenhouse than it is outside, right?

October 2nd: "Cardio and core." I would say the amount of jogging and planking I did was appropriate for a 73-year-old woman.


Anyway, if you have a problem with any of that, you can take it up with the archbishop nurse.