The Batman (2022)
Director: Matt Reeves
Had I seen this before: No
Ahhhhh, welcome back to Gotham City! There have been some subtle changes around town since my last post. It's now permanently nighttime, and also raining, and the ratio of men to women is 5000:1, and for some reason the Imperial March is playing very slowly in the background all the time. I actually approve of that last bit, for the record. Oh, and also: everyone is some degree of absolutely miserable, on a despair-spectrum ranging from Commissioner Lieutenant Gordon (hangdog, confused, seemingly unqualified for his job) to Selina Kyle (orphaned, wrathful) to Bruce Wayne (orphaned, sad) and The Riddler (orphaned, insane). It's so great to be back here with all our friends!
As soon as we opened on the creepy POV of a creep who is breathing creepily and creeping around in the rainy darkness, I made a decision: for the next three hours (three human hours!) I would be co-existing with a film that is not pitched at me in any way, and the best tactic would be to just accept that and stay alert for small things that brought me even the tiniest amount of joy. And I do not think it is any kind of exaggeration to say that the fact that I found several such things is a shining testament to the perseverance of the human spirit. To borrow a phrase from a different DC Comics property, I was not locked in the TV room with it. It was locked in the TV room with me. And my positive attitude.
First, credit where credit is due: I have to admit that the movie is pretty good about lampshading how inescapably goofy it is that this grown weirdo wearing a bat costume is just stomping around all over crime scenes. When one of the cops (correctly!!!!!!!!) complains to Lt. Gordon about Batman interfering with the chain of evidence, Jeffrey Wright (who plays Lt. Gordon like he's about to get hit with a spotlight and bust out Mr. Cellophane at any moment) kind of shrugs helplessly and says "He's wearing gloves." That's funny! On purpose!
Many other things amused me, although the degree to which they were meant to is up for debate (as always, spoilers abound):
My favorite through-line of the film: the way Lt. Gordon is shocked, shocked and hurt, every time he discovers that one of his fellow cops is crooked, even though this happens about 27 times.
My favorite instance of another character telling Batman he is an idiot: when The Penguin (played by Colin Ferrell, wearing the hollowed-out body of a character actor as a skin suit) makes fun of him for not knowing that it should be la rata, not el rata.
My favorite proof that there are too many bird-adjacent things happening in this universe: they offer up at least half a dozen possibilities that fit the riddle "a rat with wings" and now I can't even remember which of them was the correct answer.
My favorite line reading, hands down, please give him five Oscars: the deadpan way RPattz lobs "You gotta lotta cats" at Zoë Kravitz.
My favorite indication that The World's Greatest Detective is struggling: when he spray paints his evidence board on the floor and the clue "The sins of my father" is followed by two carefully spray-painted question marks. He really doesn't know what that means!!
My favorite scene that no amount of lampshading could keep from being completely hilarious to me: an adult man in his little bat outfit grimly perp-walking John Turturro through a building and all of the actual law enforcement just moving respectfully out of their way.
My favorite interpretation of the Ralph Wiggum "I'm helping" meme: Batman driving the wrong way down the highway at like 100 mph. At least it seems like that happened? I do not really pay attention to action sequences.
But you know what? By the time they entered the creepy abandoned asylum, the movie had mostly worn me down and I basically rubbed my hands together in an "okay, now we're talking" fashion. And it only took 91 minutes to get there!
Line I repeated quietly gruffly to myself more than once, and then again just now: "You gotta lotta cats"
Is it under two hours: I'm pretty sure the back-to-back John Turturro/Andy Serkis exposition scenes comprise almost two hours by themselves
In conclusion: Despite all my rage I am still just el rata in a cage.
Cappuccino Mousse from Betty Crocker
In what I can only hope is an intentional homage to the film Breathless, the only sustenance in this three hour movie is one (1) glass of milk and one (1) abandoned cup of coffee. Clearly everyone in Gotham is too emo to eat. I, on the other hand, being a huge fan of taking in calories and converting them into energy, upgraded The Riddler's carefully be-calling-carded cappuccino into a delightfully filling cup of mousse.
I don't know if The Riddler has a catchphrase, but I assume it's something along the lines of "Do you get it? Tee hee hee!" It's also possible that I'm mixing up The Riddler and The CryptKeeper.
Up next: Finding a roommate is hard
