Check "Kill some stuff" off the Summer Fun List!

Just so you know, my August issue of Bon Appetit has now arrived and I am STILL struggling to wrap up June. Obviously I will not be taken in by the promise of "45 SUPER-SIMPLE SUMMER RECIPES" because I like to think my kitchen-oriented masochism streak is somewhere in the moderate, rather than severe, range. I mean, I'm not crazy, you guys. Just because there's a tomato and feta sandwich on the cover. And these are SUPER-SIMPLE. And seem to involve a lot more vegetables and a lot less shrimp. Nice try, BA! You can't fool me again! (Call me later.)

Okay, let's see here, what do we have left? Couple of beverages, another grain salad, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, oh here we go! Live sea monster salad! Let's start at the end in order to assure ourselves that everything turns out peachy. Who doesn't love a flash-forward?

What a lovely bowl of summertime victuals! Probably wasn't at all horrifying to compile.
You may notice that the recipe technically gives you the option of live lobsters OR cooked lobster meat, but come on. Am I really going to pay a ton of money for an already-prepared protein I'm not even that crazy about just to dump it in a salad with radishes of all things so that you can barely taste it anyway? Or am I going to make a ridiculous production of the whole enterprise for the edification of the internet? I will always, always pick Option Two when it is available. So, yes, I brought home two enormous water-roaches and I dispatched them all by myself.

I was very brave, and I have the following gallery to prove it. BONUS: it serves as a showcase for the six human pounds I have gained since starting this project.

I'm clenching my left fist out of excitement.

Never flinched!

Definitely did not traumatize any small children.

All in all, it's still preferable to dicing a butternut squash.
In conclusion: do not spend a lot of money and time and mental energy extracting fresh lobster meat only to toss it with a bunch of other crap. What kind of insanely rich people were involved in the brainstorming session for this recipe? "You know what would be cute? Maybe make a sort of Cobb/niçoise-type salad but use a bunch of lobster as filler. No, don't bother putting specific instructions about what to do with the lobster, the kitchen staff can handle it." You know that one came straight out of the deepest recesses of the lair. I probably would have preferred smoked turkey. Or little ham cubes. I am the 99%!

Anyway, I would like to thank my support staff for all their help in this endeavor. Anna, who is better at peeling hard-boiled eggs than I am:

Small hands. (Smells like cabbage.)
And Ivy, who was in charge of morale, although this effort did seem half-hearted at best.

"Lobster. Woooooo."
Anyway, there is still lobster juice on basically every surface of my kitchen, so I guess I'll go work on that. Also, I've had a couple of requests to link my Food Lush posts over here, so here's everything so far in case you missed one, and I'll link Monday's post on this blog every Tuesday going forward. EVERYTHING ENDS WITH PLUGS NOW.

Cooking One Egg
How to Salvage a Cookie Disaster
Caffeinate Your Waffles
Austin: Black Star Co-op
Ketchup on the Side
Taking Pictures in Restaurants: A Progression