Dish O' The Sea

First the good news: I got flour in my grocery order this week! Yay! What a treat. In ~these times~ it's really the little things that bring a lot of comfort.

The bad news: I realize now that I should not have muttered something about how I was kind of bored in quarantine in such close proximity to our curséd monkey's paw--truly a rookie mistake, in retrospect--because almost immediately, my living room collapsed and my child was hospitalized with pneumonia.

The predictable news, if you know me in real life or have been reading this blog for a long time: I still made everyone eat sardines, for the blog.

(The child in question is okay now, tested negative for the virus, was discharged this morning and did not have to take home her pet oxygen tank.)

American Pandemic

It didn't even affect the outrageous ratings inflation we have going on around here, as evidenced by her assessment of overnight hospitalization:

Slightly more enthusiasm than for beets

And, okay, the living room bit was an exaggeration, it was only the bookshelf that fell apart. But I felt like I underplayed 48 hours in the ICU enough to earn throwing a little rhetorical spice on the crumbling infrastructure part of my week.

It was still very loud and not...you know...great

Anyway, we are here to talk about Dish O' The Sea, which is sardines on top of hash browns. It tasted like fish. Ivy asked for extras.

ASSESSMENT: It is intended to "keep you warm in the cold sea air," which is a thing I do not currently have access to, but I guess it did fortify me against my own air conditioning.

PROJECT STATUS: Honestly after this week it's pretty hard to imagine anything derailing it You know what probably better not to speculate

Vegetable Medley

Back in early March, when going to the grocery store was still normal and easy, I speculated that I should not have wasted this privilege by buying eggplant. Anyway, grocery procurement is now highly fraught and every need/desire must be carefully vetted for worthiness and this week I bought...beets.

Compulsive blog project completionism is a need/desire

I loosely based my Vegetable Medley on this lovely salad. Mine does not look like the lovely salad in question. Mine looks like the shower scene from Psycho.

Honestly, makes me slightly prouder of it

Really thought I would finally get a definitive thumbs down, as beets taste like sweetened dirt, but no. Overly generous ratings abound. 

ASSESSMENT: I like that the Stardew version of this promises nothing beyond "very nutritious." No mention of "will make your kitchen look like a crime scene."

PROJECT STATUS: Currently wearing the same clothes I slept in, as we hurtle towards noon here. I also wasted yet another precious grocery space on an ingredient that Dan eyeballed warily and asked "Is this...for something?" So you have that to look forward to!

Stir Fry

As you know, now is the time for resourcefulness. Is it also the time for dumb blog projects? Per...haps. The time for resourcefulness within dumb blog projects though? Yes, absolutely.

I am pleased to report that I am using every part of this buffalo by remembering that I made and rejected a Stardew recipe last May, intending to retry it at some point. But that was when I lived in a world that involved easily going to the grocery store for more kale and mushrooms and seeing humans outside of my immediate family and putting my bare hands just all over everything, I mean every surface you got, I'm gonna touch it, etc. This is, clearly, no longer that world, and thus I present: my Stir Fry failure of 11 months ago.

Did I follow a recipe? Dunno. Did I make the children eat it? No evidence either way. Was the only thing wrong with it the fact that I personally do not like mushrooms? 85% chance. 

Here is the next picture of the girls in order after the picture of the stir fry. They're at a bus stop. That's going to take them away. To school. 

For an entire day. 

ASSESSMENT: Stir Fry: C-, living in a grocery store and bus stop world: A++++++++++++++

PROJECT STATUS: Might just have several weeks of trying to perfect that Triple Shot Espresso recipe ahead of us

Triple Shot Espresso

Things are pretty touch-and-go regarding ingredients now, so the Stardew project is officially entering the "Well, I tried" phase.* Hence: Triple Shot Espresso, which is neither espresso nor shots. Discuss.

In my defense, I followed the ingredient list exactly.

Mostly I am just trying to get back to the roots of my blogging, which involves pictures of perpetually bemused children.

Finally conquered those automatic thumbs up

ASSESSMENT: Three cups of coffee? Best recipe yet.

PROJECT STATUS: Peppy


*I'm just kidding, this whole blog** falls within the category of "Well, I tried"
**My entire life

Bread

I heard all the white people online are making bread now? So...here I am.

Now, I see you out there with your "perfectly golden crust" and your "successful sourdough starter" and I just want to say that not only did I choose the recipe titled The Easiest Loaf of Bread You'll Ever Bake, I managed to mis-measure one of the four ingredients by a truly hilarious amount.

What I made is not a crusty baguette. You're a crusty baguette.

Also, here is what the rest of that table looks like.

The good news is that even dense, mis-measured bread is not bad. Smells nice. Children love it because they do not have refined enough palates to fully appreciate your failure.

Did we used to brush our hair, ever?

...probably not?

ASSESSMENT: Worth the flour....mostly. Worth the yeast? I guess. Worth all the extra water I absolutely flooded it with? Sure.

PROJECT STATUS: Eh. Here are two new words I learned recently that I enjoy and you might too: 

• automatonophobia
• pseudocide