Pork Mortem

If the end of the Winter Olympics has left you with a world-class-competition-sized hole in your heart, fear not: this weekend kicked off the spring season of the Super Social Food League of Austin, and after a four-month break, you'd better believe we came to play. Then promptly proceeded to get our asses kicked.

You may recall that Regan and (sometimes Emily) and I had a perfect three and oh record at the end of our first round, so I can only blame hubris for the fact that we believed we were ready to take on the 2014 Bacon and Beer Festival after such a long offseason. It seemed a reasonable enough challenge. Bacon and beer! Why spend a Saturday afternoon any other way, really? We went in with hopes and hunger high, keeping a strong focus on the bacon half of the proceedings (this is a food league, if we wanted a drinking league we would go back to playing softball). Three days and four pounds of water retention later, I'm still not entirely sure what happened. Mistakes were made. Let's examine the evidence.

1. We should have camped out the night or possibly week before in order to secure a spot in the front of the line. In our naiveté, we arrived right around the start time of the event, not realizing that the dedication of bacon enthusiasts rivals that of concert-goers and Star Wars weirdos.

2. We should have brought our own table. And trash can. And 15,000 square feet of breathing room.

Behind the scenes exclusive: that sweet black backdrop is my lap.

3. It pains me to say this, but we should not have attacked cups of Amy's Ice Cream the second we walked into the room. I'm honestly not sure how to avoid that happening, though. I know intellectually and gastrointestinally that this was the wrong move, but I cannot say for certain that I wouldn't do it again.

"Bacon bread pudding" sounded cute at the time, but I literally just shuddered while typing those words out.

4. Maybe we should have noticed that there were two large rooms full of food before indiscriminately stuffing ourselves in the first one.

$5 to anyone who can even BEGIN to guess what this is. Hint: it contains bacon.

5. We should have anticipated and cashed in on the "serving food with clothespins" fad that is sweeping the nation.

Just makes that hunk of pig a little more Pinteresty.

"I'm carnivorous and also kind of twee!"

 6. We probably should have spent more time getting to know Dizzle.

Regan isn't actually smiling here, she's just holding back bile.

This guy wasn't smiling either, to be fair. Not him…the one below him.

It wasn't all bad news! I'd have to say the pork belly and grits from Hoover's took first place in my clogged, clogged heart.

In the end, I'd like to believe that Food League is now older and wiser, but we are also changed women. Bloated women. SO READY to take on that raw foods restaurant next time around.

Ivy has decided that the birds most likely want to bathe in mud. Like at a spa? Probably?