I made so many electioneering jokes yesterday

In this week's spirit of thanksgiving and generosity, I feel like I should point out that Millet-Fig Muffins aren't terrible if you know what to expect, which is an aggressive, borderline-menacing flavor of healthfulness. Just don't introduce them to children as "muffins" lest they lose all faith in humanity or at least in you as a provider.

Fortunately, distraction was right around the corner in the form of this Buzzfeed breakdown of the epic, era-defining struggle between Martha and Gwyneth and their desire to wound each other through whipped-cream-based dessert items. Both Regan and Hillary sent me this link within seconds of its publication, so I know that my friends are there on the ground, always looking out, and that's a good feeling. It seemed obvious that the only way to settle this dispute was to take it to the people, and the largest dessert-eating population to which I have access is my extended family on Thanksgiving day. I knew what I had to do.

Spend all afternoon exhorting people to do their "civic duty."

Before I reveal the results of this rigorously scientific undertaking, let's take a closer look at the candidates and where they're coming from.

Candidate #1: Martha Stewart

Background: In October, Martha Stewart featured a spread on pies entitled "Conscious Coupling," an unsubtle dig at Gwyneth's recent, new-agey separation from Chris Martin. This title was a real stretch that had absolutely nothing to do with pie and everything to do with fanning the flames of a mild guru war that she herself had started for no apparent reason other than the realization that she had the ability to do so. Martha is a mean and kind of scary lady and that's part of why we like her.

Recipe: This is a phyllo dough-based chocolate mousse pie. Each layer of phyllo is brushed with melted butter and sprinkled with sugar. The crust is topped with a thin layer of solid semi-sweet chocolate, like a grown-up version of a Drumstick. This encases the bittersweet chocolate mousse and homemade whipped cream. The dessert is topped with chocolate shavings.

Candidate #2: Gwyneth Paltrow

Background: Gwyneth is an actress who seems to be trying her best. People give her a very hard time and often misspell her name. Every time Martha comes at her, Gwyneth responds in a manner that can best be described as "lame." In this case, after the "Conscious Coupling" feature made some waves, a recipe for "Jailbird Cake" was published on goop.com.

Recipe: This is a box of cookies squished together with whipped cream. It is actually the recipe from the cookie box.


Except they added more whipped cream, which made it worse and less cake-like.

This dessert is also topped with chocolate shavings.


Exit polling garnered responses varying from "They were both pretty good, I had a hard time deciding" to actual anger at the wasted calories. Thanksgiving is often a time of enflamed passions, and this contest was no exception. In the end though, there can be only one, and it is the lady who seems to have worn her prison uniform on the Today Show yesterday morning because that's how much she DGAF.

Martha's pie: 14
Gwyneth's cookie mush: 3

I know this is a dark time for Team Cake.

But I implore everyone, winners and losers alike, to remember one thing: this brickle is about a hundred times better than either of the above recipes.