A) Get lucky on the Fast Pass button (see below)
B) Travel back in time and make different life choices in order to arrive at this moment a VIP
C) Cut in line (recommended; will work for at least three hundred or so people)
D) Sorcery
E) Adhere carefully to the following instructions:
- Buy a weekend badge one year in advance
- When you have an opportunity to reserve your festival Fast Passes spend at least two hours constantly refreshing the website in order to secure your place in the GG line.
- Fail. That's okay! Websites get overwhelmed, people get fanatical, you are a woman of the internet and you understand these things. The organizers assure you that only a small percentage of the theater is devoted to Fast Passes and that most badge holders will be able to access the events they want. Be cool, man!
- Ignore everything you have ever gathered to be true about human nature and arrive to line up at exactly 5:00, as that is when the organizers have instructed you to do so.
- Notice that there are several hundred people already lined up. That's okay! They said no lines formed before 5:00 would be recognized.
- See that they are in fact recognizing this particular pre-5:00 line. Lisa Simpson your way to the end of it.
- Be assured by multiple volunteers that it is a big venue and you will be getting in.
- Move back when the volunteers instruct you to do so.
- Move back when the volunteers instruct you to do so.
- Move back when the volunteers instruct you to do so.
- Move back when the volunteers instruct you to do so.
- Move back when the volunteers instruct you to do so.
- Are you at least one full city block farther away from the theater than you started? Okay, good. Hang tight.
- Observe, when someone near you in line voices concern that perhaps they are just letting A LOT of people in ahead of you, that she is immediately snapped at by a volunteer. Vow to be an obedient line-dweller.
- Stand in line for 2 hours and 45 minutes. You may be in the direct sun. You may be proselytized. Intensely. It may involve a trumpet. Two people will pass out and get an ambulance visit, maybe you will be one of them! It's good to have a little excitement in a long boring line.
- Hey look, they're handing out Pop Tarts! Aw, that's going to be adorable when you dehydration-vomit it up later.
- Be assured by multiple volunteers that it is a big venue and you will be getting in.
- OMG THE LINE IS MOVING
- VOLS STILL SAYING YOU ARE FOR SURE GETTING IN
- OMG YOU ARE FOUR PEOPLE FROM THE DOOR AND YOUR FRIEND INSIDE SAYS THERE ARE STILL SEVERAL EMPTY SEATS IN THE BALCONY
YAY YOU ARE INSIDE AND THERE ARE GILMORE GIRLS IN THERE WHAT A MAGICAL EVENING WHO CARES ABOUT HOW TERRIBLE THE LAST THREE HOURS WERE WHEEEEEE
Wait, sorry, our sources are informing us that following the E) instructions will in fact get you turned away four people from the door.
If you're feeling up for it, you can politely hang around the front for a few minutes in case they realize there are in fact empty seats in there, no one has seemed to have any clue what was going on up until this point, so reversals seem highly possible, but I should warn you that this will result in you being angrily yelled at by the building manager, so, your call.
Hey, at least you can watch the organizers hang out with famous people on social media! That seems fun for them.
How To Recover From Your Failure To Get Into The Gilmore Girls Reunion At The ATX Festival
A) Go see if there's still free coffee at the Google Fiber space.
B) Remember that time Chelsea Peretti made this face:
C) Remember that plate of Reuben waffle fries:
D) And that hot dog that had macaroni and cheese on it:
E) And that French toast made out of donuts:
F) And these mozzarella-filled delight-beasts:
G) And that time you reacted to meeting Dan Harmon by attempting to physically collapse inside of yourself so as to be less of a bother to him:
G) 2. just like when you met Paul Scheer
H) Go home and hug your weirdos, one of whom recently started to referring to the foam sword as a "pirate wand."
I) Remember that you are just a casual fan with #FOMO and not a genuinely heartbroken devotee who spent a lot of money and traveled a long way specifically for one event only to be yelled at for being surprised and upset when things suddenly went from "this is a big venue with plenty of space" to "just kidding, get out of here." Go watch Game of Thrones, as a palate cleanser.
