Pretty well-rounded post

First things first, please feast your eyes upon the immortalizing life-prolonging Longevity Kitchen healthiness I've been whipping up this week:

I highly recommend the Corn Bisque, Greek Chicken Salad, Cowboy Minestrone, and cheery placemats. I don't know if that last example is life-prolonging per se but they do feel life-affirming somehow. ("Yes," they assure you, "flowers exist. YOU ARE ALIVE, STILL.")

Everybody soaked all that up? Feeling like we've probably tacked on fifty or sixty years? Good. Time to hook ourselves up to the Princess Bride Machine of Death that is ingesting sugar and shave a couple back off by celebrating National Doughnut Day!

That's right, I BURIED THE LEDE. It's tucked away in that hole there.

Doughnuts doughnuts doughnuts for everyone, except me because I spell it donut, donuts for meeeeee! Dan keeps referring to it as "International" Doughnut Day, which is absurd and offensive, as it is a thoroughly patriotic American holiday arising from the Salvation Army, World War I, and "the difficulties of providing freshly baked goods from huts established in abandoned buildings near the front lines." Do you hear that? American ingenuity resolved the age-old struggle to access war-pastries why is there not already a donut in your mouth? Look, if you're feeling especially protective of the extra years you earned looking at the soup and salad I spent all week eating, go with a healthy-ish recipe like I did and also be pretty tired and maybe forget to add in the honey. This will have the additional benefit of you not having to share with your children because they will be surprisingly uninterested in donuts that have no sweetening agent. At any rate, if you don't manage to eat SOMETHING O-SHAPED today I'm sending this, uh, individual after you:

And furthermore, I am going to let Ivy do your eye makeup.

It will be much like the Joan Rivers scene in Muppets Take Manhattan.