Famished phantasms

This is it, you guys! The very last day of Martha Month! Throw your crafting paper into the streets! Give your team of chimney sweeps the boot! Set the Viking ship on fire! We have arrived.

Almost. We do actually still have to plow through the last few days, including three very boring brown and green plates of food, but today I decree that we are starting with chocolate. Remember the infamous dessert-refusing ladies of the Titanic. The veil between us and those hungry, well-dressed women is at its thinnest today. Only Crunchy Milk-Chocolate Bark can…I don't know…distract us from contemplating that, I guess.

Plus, there is SEA SALT on top. Spooooooooky!

And now, here are three recipes that were made, eaten, and whined about by various member of this family:

Chicken paillards with squash and spinach. Worth it in retrospect, because autocorrect just introduced me to the phrase "pail lards."

Chickpea soup with parsley and parmesan. Usually I am in favor of opening a can of beans and eating it for dinner like a hobo! But I wasn't really sold on this one.

Baked fish and chips. There they are.

Let's wrap up Martha's calendar.

October 28th:  "Pilates." Aw, you guys, it's the last time I'm going to ignore "Pilates" on the calendar! And I didn't think this was going to make me sentimental.

"Women's Wear Daily Apparel & Retail CEO Summit, in New York City." As someone who frequently changes from pajamas into a sports bra back into pajamas, I did not feel qualified to participate in this summit.

October 29th: "Collect leaves and press for fall decorations." UNNECESSARY. I already have a bag of fake leaves that I strew inartfully about my home in the month of November. Also, I forgot to do this.

October 30th: "Make skull madeleines and marshmallow bones." Instead of making these recipes, I have decided to point you toward the AV Club's take on this particular Martha party theme. It is not for the profanity-averse. Or those afraid to face the truth about the gourd hierarchy, man.

October 31st: "Trick-or-treating with Jude and Truman!" After much soul-searching, I have decided not to creep stealthily behind Martha Stewart's trick-or-treating grandchildren for the purposes of this blog. There is still a lot of day left, though.

Okay, so I guess I sort of petered out on the last few activities there. Let's see what else I didn't do!

Buy a steamer for my sports bras and pajamas.

Put dead flowers in a vase.

Put garbage in an acrylic box.

Make these creme caramels. Listen, when you're examining your life choices, you're bound to encounter some things you're not proud of.

Reorganize my kitchen, because every time I got to this page I thought that was Nicky Hilton and kept flipping.

But there's no sense in dwelling on our failures. Think of all that was accomplished this month! We really dug in and got our hands dirty.

And we looked good doing it.