Look for a lot of cheese in the next few weeks

Guys, I was so distracted by my candle-slinging venture that I stumbled into May without a food theme.  (My book theme, of course, continues to be "not reading Middlemarch, but leaving it marked as 'Currently Reading' on Goodreads in order to punish myself.") I had to dig deep, but I am now pleased to welcome you to It's My Birthday Month And I'll Make What I Wanna Make May!

I know it sounds a little obscure, a little precise, but stick with me. I think the inspiration was realizing that Tuesday was Cinco de Mayo and I hadn't cooked out of Homesick Texan in a while and there was NOTHING STOPPING ME from making chalupas for dinner. NOTHING AND NO ONE.

I CONTROL MY OWN DESTINY AND IT HAS FRIED TORTILLAS IN IT

Then, I mean, I already had Homesick Texan open in the cookbook holder, so I went ahead and made some salmon croquettes:

And some killer avocado soup:

If you are in need of comfort, I suggest a bowl of avocados, coconut milk, and buttermilk. If you are truly in the depths of despair, crumble a dozen or so tortilla chips in it. There, you are fixed!

I'm ALSO pleased to report that I have made a significant breakthrough on the mothering front, as I have determined that all previous scowling was due to an appalling state of underaccesorization.

We will only ever be happy, if slightly over-warm, from now on.

Waxworks

I haven't done any cooking since last week, you know why? Because I am a TITAN OF INDUSTRY NOW. Other people cook for me. At least through the weekend. Because I am tired.

These tins didn't semi-carefully line themselves up, you know.

I don't know WHY I was tired, what with my team being all-hands-on-deck and such.

I had a really fun, pretty successful day out there and I am definitely encouraged to keep hitting up fairs and festivals throughout the summer. The (female, my-aged) people love candles and I am here to give the people what they want. Did we learn some things about selling wax items outdoors in Texas?

We maybe did.

Did we also get a pretty nice review over at Evolution of a Foodie? Heck yeah we did. Thanks, Kelly! I keep scanning it for the phrase "This clearly insane person sent me a candle that smells like barbecue," but I still don't see it anywhere.

(And, confidential to anyone who has put in a MAYBE-joking request for a custom order over Twitter, there is a sample of cement-scented fragrance oil on its way to my house, because Wick Habit is in the business of making everyone's wildest dreams come true.)

Oh, hey, look at that nice other-people-generated food! Mmmmmm.

Mmmmmmmmmmm.

"Ivy, smile!"
"I AM."

Also, I lied about not cooking at all, look at this beautiful themed meal I pulled together for Star Wars Day yesterday:

Are they robot mermaids or mermaid robots?

Okay, so my Martha April kind of went out with a whimper, although you could argue that deconstructing this Rolled Stuffed Salmon was actually more effort than just following her recipe:

You would be wrong, but I still appreciate the support.

But Martha probably isn't busy making all-purple meals for her insane 3-year-old.

What am I even talking about, I don't know her life.

We also spent one evening at the book fair at Anna's school (YAY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF), although its hard to say whether she enjoyed herself.

Whatever, I think book fairs are great. Library Robot Mermaid knows what I'm talking about.

Seriously, the best. Elementary school is the best.

CANCEL THE FLOWERS! Glamour Shots wants you to know that it's not too late to punish Mom for all the ways she screwed you up.

Soccer Sis

When Martha says, "Put some random vegetables on top of a pre-made pizza crust and convince yourself that you have made a healthy dinner," I say "HOW HIGH DO I PILE THAT CRESS?"

This pizza is so virtuous you can't even see the generous helpings of two kinds of cheese on it.  #swimsuitseason

My first foray into in-person candlemongery is scheduled for this weekend, so if you were here at my house, instead of seeing me fail at doing Martha things, you would be seeing me fail at doing Martha things AS WELL AS some of this:

And that:

And, if you look closely, a lot of me squinting anxiously at various crafting displays on Pinterest. It's so inspirational/panic-inducing!

I did escape the candle laboratory (British pronunciation) for Anna's soccer game on Saturday, where Ivy was maybe the most enthusiastic she has been about anything since the introduction of solid foods.

I'm pretty sure I'll just get her a minivan for her next birthday.

Anna was also very excited to be getting her pictures done.

I will remember you/ Will you remember me /Make sure they airbruuuuuuush the drool from my face

Hey, so, all I had to do to convince myself to make that cake was to publicly admit that I was never going to bother making that cake. 

You really don't want to get involved with the twisted psychological battles in which I engage myself. 

Just look at the nice cake.

I was also stuck at home for two days with a sick kindergartener, so cake-making was bound to arise as an option at some point. As was cake-decorating-as-the-earth-for-Earth-Day.

 Soooort of as-the-earth.

For purple mountains, spark-uh-ly.

Martha's calendar item for today is "Clean baseboards with a feather duster." Remember about a year ago when I was wishing a fictional character would come to my house and tell me to clean my baseboards and also make me a potato salad? ALL OF MY DREAMS ARE COMING PRETTY CLOSE TO TRUE.

Hey high school seniors! Glamour Shots want to know how you want to be remembered after they lock you in the proof-selection dungeon for the rest of your days.

Chilling.

Tiptoe through the bonnets

At some point I realized that it would probably be easier to just show you the picture of the cake for which I bought ingredients three weeks ago than to keep waking up every morning thinking "oh, shoot, I need to make that cake for which I bought ingredients three weeks ago," so here you are:

It's not like I need to add a cake to our larder right now anyhow. We still have a teensy bit of Easter candy to get through.

Likewise, it seemed easier just to let Martha herself tell you the various items in your home that you should be cleaning, you dirty birds:

WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS TOUCHING THINGS GROSS

Not clear on whether an iron has to be used, ever, in order to require cleaning.

I'm going to come white-glove-test your printers, so everybody get on that.

And I don't remember what's on Martha's actual calendar, but if she lived in Texas, I guarantee it would say "drag Jude and Truman out to a field of bluebonnets and take one thousand pictures of them," so I am following it IN SPIRIT.

Some of us were rather more invested in this process than others of us.

SSFL Goes Goth, Eats Cheesecake

I got a little overwhelmed with various three-year-olds things this week, so I kept it simple and just followed a couple of the Martha Tips scattered throughout the April issue. Tip #1, page 28: Drink some matcha.

There is a whole paragraph of instructions for making matcha, which are, in their entirety: mix the powder with water. Done!

Tip #2, page 106: Brush your teeth. But, like, correctly. Two full minutes, PLUS FLOSSING, LAZYBONES. I don't know, somehow this takes two entire pages to explain. Done!

Oh ho ho, look what time it is, Super Social Food and Makeup League of Austin night! Let's see what light and springy April colors have been bestowed upon me this month…

Surprisingly minty and enjoyable, as long as you can't see your face.

Here it is under the most flattering filter possible, believe me, I tried every single one:

In real life I looked like I was trying to create that costume where you look like a black and white photograph but got lazy and stopped after the mouth part. In return, I gave Regan some gray contour powder that looks, at best, like light bruising, and at worst like your shift at the mines just ended.

We decided to emphasize the Makeup side of SSFMLA by hitting the Sephora VIB sale, looking…the way we did. No one outwardly judged us, although I may have been too busy covering every square inch of my body with makeup swatches to really notice. Once we made our selections, we knew dinner needed to be something extra special, preferably across the parking lot from the Sephora.

At first we were concerned that we had brought too much glam to the proceedings.

But, as it turns out, we fit right in!

I had an enormous bowl of soup, mostly because it was the only item on the SkinnyLicious® menu that did not require me to say the word SkinnyLicious® when ordering it.

This is what it looks like when you beat the system.

And then, you know, obviously:

It was truly a SSFMLA night. Yes it was.

I mean, those are some cheekbones, for sure.

Anyway, come on everyone, it's springtime! Throw on your black gloss and get out there in it!