Less than the sum of its parts

LND: BLTs with homemade mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is generally a member of my top three least desired foods list, along with mushrooms (dirt flavored rubber) and shrimp (things that used to be alive should only crunch if they are deep fried). I guess I would say mayonnaise's crime is...high caloried pointlessness.

I'm sorry, but the only thing that matters here is bacon.

At some point I realized that I don't object to any of the individual components of mayonnaise, so it didn't really make sense to be grossed out by it. Also, people who know about food are constantly claiming that homemade mayonnaise is so completely different than store-bought that you will rend your garments when you realize the height of mayonnaise ecstasy previously unknown to you. I had no reason not to believe these people, except I sort of suspected they were the same pack of dirty liars who told me that making crepes is totally easy.

None of these things are gross.

So I whipped some up, and yeah, it was better than the store kind. But not mind-bendingly, avoided-foods-list-revisingly better. Mayonnaise and I have, at best, reached a d├ętente. Given the calorie and fat content, I would still much rather smother my food with cheese or guacamole or pesto or Amy's ice cream. Or the separate, non-emulsified ingredients of mayonnaise.

It is an uneasy truce.

Instead of going in to work, Dan spent all day being an exemplary husband and father, reading to the kid and cleaning the garage, while I ate bonbons* and watched my stories**.

"See, honey? Any time a signal follows different paths to the same point, such that the energy from one path is delayed in time with respect to the energy from another path, a frequency-dependent phase difference exists between the two signals."

We also had a major food-intake breakthrough, so please, please no one tell Anna that strawberries are fruit.

I had to tell her it was a type of bread made of sugar and acid and phytonutrients, so back me up.

**Read about cognitive behavioral therapy


  1. Strawberries are fruit? Jesus! Disgusting.

  2. I have to say...the comment on the picture of storytime is probably the single best photo caption I've ever read. Did Dan help you out with that one? :)

  3. @Chris Actually, my favorite thing about this post is that Dan asked me if I made that up myself. Um. No, dude. I copied it out of one of your books. But....a flattering question.