I'm just as nervous when she comes at me with a blanket

Hey everyone, thanks for indulging my, uh, petrospective the other day (it's okay, he loved puns, I promise). I'm afraid I'm still a tad glum, but I do want you to rest assured that the entire exchange with my neighbor was as awkward as humanly possible. My inability to communicate with people will not be compromised by tragedy! (Offers high five, is left hanging, clumsily scratches head.)

Let's see...comfort food, comfort food...here we go.

What's it like to have feelings that don't taste like eggs and cheese? Never mind, I don't want to know.

We should probably fry something too, just to be safe.

In peanut oil. To be extra safe.

Non-coincidentally (or as some would say, "on purpose"), my Food Lush post yesterday was comfort-food oriented as well. I'm sorry if any of you needed cheese this week, I think I have all of it here.

Look, I realize that child malapropisms are pretty low-hanging fruit, but I dissolve into a puddle of giggles every time Anna solemnly requests the "fly swaddle."

It does make me wonder what she thought we were doing to Ivy all those months.

Just to bump "dead cat" off the top of the page

I would sincerely like to wish everyone Googling "I am a lawyer and unemployed" the best of luck, and I do hope it leads you more productive places than here.

Those of you Googling "asian boys"... I'm going to leave to make your own luck.

Sorry to hit you with sincerity on a Friday

You know what sounds really delicious? Grilled cheese crepes with shaved asparagus. I'll never know, though.

The fact that the recipe calls these "amazingly easy" is just cruel.

It's okay, I salvaged dinner by turning them into quesadillas.

Then IMPROVED dinner by turning them into an egg dish.

Because putting an egg on something is actually amazingly easy.

Personally, I like Anna's full-throttle approach to coloring with markers.

But Ivy seems uncertain.

Traditionalist.

We also had a very somber 9-month checkup for Ivy.

She really might be the world's most dignified infant.

So everything is a little brief today, and I apologize that I'm going to send you into the weekend on a huge bummer of a note, but we said goodbye to our nine-year-old cat Hopper this morning. Well, not "Goodbye" so much as "Oh shit, our neighbor ran over the cat."

Regardless.

He was a sweetie and a weirdo and a big help in the garden and I will miss him.

Goodbye, buddy.

If you have a better containment system than "random drawer," I'd like to hear it

In case my Summer Food Project coverage was not in-depth enough for you, I dedicated yesterday's Food Lush post to things I intend to make again. If, on the other hand, you think my Summer Food Project coverage has been excessive, just thank your lucky stars that I'm not devoting the whole of August to lazily reminiscing about 60 SUMMER RECIPES. Not in an interesting retrospective sort of way, either. More like, "Hey, remember when I made grilled clams? Crazy." And that would be the whole entry. With no link or picture or anything.

Ugh, you guys. August.

Okay, fine, I'm going to pull it together and throw you at least a few NON-BA recipes throughout this wretched month, here we go, Buffalo chicken lettuce wraps. I had not even realized how much I missed my slow cooker and its magical shredded-chicken-creating properties.

Now Bon Appetit will release a crockpot issue and I will be helpless to resist it.

Whew, that's enough for now. Just dipping a toe back into the water, you know?

Since the girls recently received cute matching outfits from Grandma, I figured I should make an effort to capture them wearing them at the same time. Ivy was game!

Anna was Anna.

She did make an effort eventually.

I just wish the physical pain she experiences while smiling was less evident.

Then things went a little off the rails.

Before taking a turn for the "party bus."

If I had Photoshop, you'd better believe they would be doing this out the top of a limo.

I mean, full party bus.

I guess we probably shouldn't have been attempting this shoot at 3:30 am.

Fortunately, Ivy is her mama's daughter and knows exactly how to sober things up.

That's right, baby. That'll fix it.

Hey, do you guys notice anything weird about Anna's approach to art?

That's right! No hat!

Stick a fork in this project, then top it off with unnecessary chia seeds

Having run out of June Bon Appetit entrees, I finally had a chance to go wild and make anything my heart desired for dinner. Where to start? Cauliflower and greens soup, obviously! Okay, maybe I'm a little out of practice at recipe selection. In retrospect, the description was clearly a red flag: "The color is nice, and the soup is fast."

"The taste is Spinach Water" was probably implied.

I put off this BA#59: tamarind and date agua fresca because it required me to go way out of my way* to find tamarind pulp, but aside from never ever wanting to see my "fine-mesh sieve" again, I was pretty happy with the result. Tamarind is pleasantly sour and there are no gooey seed clumps floating in it.

*To the Indian grocery a 1/2 mile from my house.

No idea why I saved this BA#60: apricot crumble parfait for last, though. It was easy! And ice cream! Why avoid it until the very end?

I mean, look how hard this child is selling it!

I kind of love whoever was responsible for this series of photographs.

SURELY Anna can approach this with less skepticism than Red up there.

"Skeptical" and "forlorn" are two different things, so I'm calling it a success.

WHOA YOU GUYS WE DID IT! 60 SUMMER RECIPES! I have to say, it was maybe the summery-est summer ever, which was the main goal. Being irritated and overwhelmed actually made the time pass pretty quickly, so I'm going to keep that in mind for future attacks of boredom. Based on my experience, I'm going to posit that on the whole, Bon Appetit is probably not for people who:

• are vegetarians
• are on ANY sort of budget
• enjoy their current pant-size
• dislike crustaceans
• prefer simplicity
• hate entertaining

That's not to say that there weren't some hidden gems. I guess since I went to all the trouble to cook the entire magazine, I may as well do a rundown:

1. Cucumber and radish salad. An unfortunate, vinegar-drenched beginning. C-
2. Roast chicken with
3. Pistachio salsa and
4. Peppers and corn. A for the juicy chicken, B+ for the pistachios, C+ for the oddly bland peppers and corn.
5. Taqueria guacamole. I'm not sure what guacamole would have to do to get less than an A from me and I hope never to find out. A
6. Rajas poblanas. Very nice vegetarian taco filling. Slightly spicy and tangy. A+
7. Fresh corn tortillas. These were just fine, but I'm deducting points because there are perfectly good instructions on the back of the masa bag, so tortilla recipes are pointless. B
8. Brown rice salad with crunchy sprouts and seeds. Nice flavor. I do not believe "crunchy sprouts" actually exist. B
9. Cantaloupe-basil agua fresca. Just eat a cantaloupe and save yourself three hours. C
10. Tomato-basil sauce with polenta. It's hard not to give a good rating to anything that makes the house smell this nice, no matter how much polenta confuses me. A-
11. Halibut with spring onion and summer squash sauté. Light, quick, summer-y. A-
12. BombeBasticks. Delicious. Difficult. The name just made me roll my eyes all over again. B-
13. Fresh chorizo. Yes please. A+
14. Creole-spiced shrimp. For someone who emphatically dislikes shrimp, I actually enjoyed this a lot. A-
15. Kielbasa with onions and poblanos. Generally, if something is intended to be served with mustard and crusty bread, it's a winner. Also extremely easy to put together. A
16. Black rice salad with mango and peanuts. Eh. My personal preference is for rice, pasta, and grains to be hot, which is going to be reflected in the scoring for all of these salads. B-
17. Watermelon and grapefruit agua fresca. See #9, replace "cantaloupe" with "watermelon." C, but when vodka is added it's an A, so we'll give this one a B overall
18. Pico de gallo. This is a standard, acceptable version of pico. B+
19. Yucatan-style habanero salsa. I wouldn't make it again, but having consumed it and survived gives me a nice, warm (very warm, actually pretty hot) feeling of accomplishment. B
20. Cumin and ancho chicken. It's possible that I'm just a fan of taco fillings. A+
21. Tony's steak. Good flavor, and I like that at least some of the summer recipes involved the grill. Could have had a better texture. A-
22. Quinoa tabbouleh. I think quinoa is my exception to the above-stated "no cold grains" rule. A-
23. Shrimp in adobo. For someone who emphatically dislikes shrimp, I...found this to be edible. B-
24. Pink lady milkshakes. So unnecessary, yet less disgusting than they sound. C+
25. Cocoa-date truffles. A little bit of a mess to make, but really, really good for something with no refined sugar. A
26. Grilled pork chops and peaches with pole beans. Yay for the grill and yay for the great flavor on the chops and extra yay for grilled peaches. Boo for green beans that retain structural integrity. A-
27. Spiced cucumbers and coconut milk. I think this one benefited from extremely low expectations. B
28. Fish filets with tomatoes, squash, and basil. This seemed very healthy. B-
29. Curried spelt salad. I could not face these leftovers, so Dan had to finish it. C-
30. Grilled flatiron steaks with
31. Tomatoes and
32. Tapenade. B+ for the steaks, B+ for the tomato salad, A for the tapenade because IIIIII loooooove olives.
33. Vanilla-roasted rhubarb and strawberry. Smelled better than it tasted. B-
34. Cucumber salsa. I can barely even remember this, so it was obviously neither great nor awful. I'm going to guess "pointless." C+
35. Slow-roasted salmon with
36. Cherry tomatoes and couscous and
37. Yogurt sauce. The salmon was not particularly special, especially for the cover recipe, and it required the kitchen to be hot for a long time, C+. Cherry tomatoes and couscous are fine, B. Yogurt sauce was the KEY element of this dish, A-.
38. Seared short-rib. I cannot cook beef correctly. Bon Appetit continues to let this happen. C
39. Quick-pickled onions. Good way to brighten up tacos. A
40. Toasted guajillo chile salsa. It was a little tough to track down dried guajillo peppers, but the result was really nice. A-
41. New potatoes with dill butter. The least objectionable Scandinavian dish I have yet encountered. A-
42. Carrot and yogurt sauce. This is exactly what it sounds like. I found that it tended to get lost amongst the more...interesting Danish flavors. B-
43. Shrimp and cucumber salad with horseradish mayo. I only had one, tiny, aquavit-fueled bite of this, so this will probably be an unfair assessment. C-
44. Peach-blueberry ice cream pie. Why not? B+
45. Aquavit spritzers. Keep in mind that I did give these extra credit for helping inspire some pretty sweet dance moves. F
46. Blueberry Smash. This benefits from being the only other cocktail and not containing aquavit, but it was still pretty bitter and unpleasant. I don't go for sweet drinks, but had to add a little sugar to make this palatable. C
47. Grilled clams with herb butter. Mmmm, herb butter. A-
48. Basmati rice and summer vegetable salad. NO. RICE. SALADS. EVER! C
49. Strawberry tarts with ginger-nut crusts. A pain to put together, but highly tasty. B+
50. Summer house lobster salad. This one is tough. How can you put a price on adventure? Oh, $14/lb? Okay. C+
51. Black barley, fennel, and radish salad. No. C-
52. Hot fudge sauce. This is like guacamole. Don't ruin it and you're gonna get an A. A
53. Marshmallow sauce. Not for me, but the kiddos love it. B+
54. Sweet-and-salty peanut butter sauce. You have no idea how hard it's been for me to know this is in the fridge and not just gulp the rest of it down. A+
55. Cherry compote. Almost too virtuous, containing real fruit and whatnot. B+
56. Wet walnuts. Hee. A++
57. Chocolate, cardamom, and coffee ice cream sandwiches. Probably the best "grown-up ice cream" entry. A
58. Chia limeade. If you really like limeade and you don't want to have to share, this is one option. C
59. Tamarind and date agua fresca (above). A good excuse to check out your Asian grocer. Interesting flavor. B
60. Apricot crumble parfait (above). Much, much better than the children suggest. A

And that's that! Overall average: B. Turns out I really like tacos and ice cream! What a journey.

I have discovered the key to enjoying summer, and it is sugar

Oh ho ho we are in the SUMMER RECIPES home stretch now, boys and girls! Check out the summer fun smackdown I laid on this past weekend:

BA #52-56: Hot fudge sauce, marshmallow sauce, sweet-and-salty peanut butter sauce, cherry compote, and wet walnuts. Add snack-aisle sundries, a couple of cartons of ice cream, and a houseful of preschoolers for an instant Festival of Hyperactivity.

Seriously, this will jack them up pretty good.

I covered each of the ice cream toppings specifically in yesterday's Food Lush post, so all I'm going to say here is that my favorite BA recipe so far is for Wet Walnuts because 1) cool name, and 2) it is a combination of walnuts and maple syrup that takes five seconds to accomplish. A++

I was all geared up to throw some righteous stop-adding-unnecessary-elements indignation at these BA#57 chocolate, cardamom, and coffee ice cream sandwiches because CHOCOLATE and COFFEE don't need your weird cardamom, magazine, and then they were very popular and got a lot of compliments. So.

You win this round, Bon Appetit.

All of which was just as well, because it meant I had plenty of exasperated-head-shaking energy built up to deal with BA#58 Chia limeade. Let's take an overhead view:

Nothing more refreshing on a hot day than clumps of stuff in your drink.

And here it is in its full glory.

It was almost worth it just for the "afraid to ask" look on everyone's face.

Anyway, amazingly the pitcher was pretty much empty by the end of the day, probably because it was nowhere near as gross as aquavit.

I know you're probably concerned about me stuffing all these tiny bodies with junk food, but it's not like I didn't offer healthy options:

Er, option.

Chia seeds aside, I have to say that between the ice cream fun and the waterworks outside, this was one day that I was almost happy it was summertime. Goal achieved! And it only took 58 recipes to get there! I could tell Anna really enjoyed everything, too.

Well, I mean, endured everything.

It's almost like the sun is not trying to murder me

Those of you who have been following me since last summer may have noticed that the weather has not yet caused me to completely lose my senses, as it had by this time last year. (You may also recall that I was not the only member of this household affected.) Chances are it's simply because of all the EMBRACING I've been doing, but let's take a look at the numbers...so far this year Austin has seen nine days over 100 degrees. Nine! Pretty toasty, and I'm sure August will up that total considerably. Ahyhoo, let's see what what happening last year, looks like Austin had oh ninety days over 100 degrees. Nine TEE. We also surpassed the entire 2011 rainfall total...in early May.

Look. I'm not saying that my personal decision to EMBRACE SUMMER is responsible for this dramatic shift to hot-yet-tolerable temperatures. And I'm pretty sure the fact that water now occasionally falls from the sky just like I've seen so many times on television is not my doing. But I'm telling you right now that the theme of Summer 2013 is going to be EMBRACE THE MOSQUITOES. Just in case.

BA #OHSOCLOSE (51): Black barley, fennel, and radish salad. So, okay. Black barley is...a thing, in theory. It does not appear to be available anywhere in the Austin area, but it can be obtained online for $3-4/lb! And $14 shipping. If I had tackled this as, say, BA#4, I probably would have sucked it up and shelled out the $20 to guarantee "visually striking" authenticity. But there has been a lot of shrimp and smoked salmon and obscure liqueur and grotesque sea-beast since then and I'm pretty much tapped, so I gladly took them up on their "feel free to substitute [the normal barley you already have in your freezer]" offer.

I'm sorry it's so visually unstriking, everyone.

It tasted like a room-temperature grain salad. I don't know, they've all run together for me now. Unlike, for example, TACOS! TACOS! TACOS! (which are special snowflakes, each and every one), anything that involves pasta, rice, or grains and a vinaigrette goes on my list of Things I Would Like Better If They Were Hot And Covered In Tomato Sauce. (This is a long, long list.)

It's nice to see that, even though we're two weeks post-party, Anna's birthday presents are still bringing her so much joy.

The furrowed brow of childhood contentment.

She is also taking her own stand against the mosquitoes.

Honestly, this is as good a solution as anything I've come up with so far.

Also, I feel like there's been a dearth of Ivy pictures lately, but she gets so shy when the camera comes out, you guys.

She just goes full Garbo on me.

Poor little recluse.

Check "Kill some stuff" off the Summer Fun List!

Just so you know, my August issue of Bon Appetit has now arrived and I am STILL struggling to wrap up June. Obviously I will not be taken in by the promise of "45 SUPER-SIMPLE SUMMER RECIPES" because I like to think my kitchen-oriented masochism streak is somewhere in the moderate, rather than severe, range. I mean, I'm not crazy, you guys. Just because there's a tomato and feta sandwich on the cover. And these are SUPER-SIMPLE. And seem to involve a lot more vegetables and a lot less shrimp. Nice try, BA! You can't fool me again! (Call me later.)

Okay, let's see here, what do we have left? Couple of beverages, another grain salad, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, oh here we go! Live sea monster salad! Let's start at the end in order to assure ourselves that everything turns out peachy. Who doesn't love a flash-forward?

What a lovely bowl of summertime victuals! Probably wasn't at all horrifying to compile.

You may notice that the recipe technically gives you the option of live lobsters OR cooked lobster meat, but come on. Am I really going to pay a ton of money for an already-prepared protein I'm not even that crazy about just to dump it in a salad with radishes of all things so that you can barely taste it anyway? Or am I going to make a ridiculous production of the whole enterprise for the edification of the internet? I will always, always pick Option Two when it is available. So, yes, I brought home two enormous water-roaches and I dispatched them all by myself.

I was very brave, and I have the following gallery to prove it. BONUS: it serves as a showcase for the six human pounds I have gained since starting this project.

I'm clenching my left fist out of excitement.

Never flinched!

Definitely did not traumatize any small children.

All in all, it's still preferable to dicing a butternut squash.

In conclusion: do not spend a lot of money and time and mental energy extracting fresh lobster meat only to toss it with a bunch of other crap. What kind of insanely rich people were involved in the brainstorming session for this recipe? "You know what would be cute? Maybe make a sort of Cobb/niçoise-type salad but use a bunch of lobster as filler. No, don't bother putting specific instructions about what to do with the lobster, the kitchen staff can handle it." You know that one came straight out of the deepest recesses of the lair. I probably would have preferred smoked turkey. Or little ham cubes. I am the 99%!

Anyway, I would like to thank my support staff for all their help in this endeavor. Anna, who is better at peeling hard-boiled eggs than I am:

Small hands. (Smells like cabbage.)

And Ivy, who was in charge of morale, although this effort did seem half-hearted at best.

"Lobster. Woooooo."

Anyway, there is still lobster juice on basically every surface of my kitchen, so I guess I'll go work on that. Also, I've had a couple of requests to link my Food Lush posts over here, so here's everything so far in case you missed one, and I'll link Monday's post on this blog every Tuesday going forward. EVERYTHING ENDS WITH PLUGS NOW.

Cooking One Egg
How to Salvage a Cookie Disaster
Caffeinate Your Waffles
Austin: Black Star Co-op
Ketchup on the Side
Taking Pictures in Restaurants: A Progression